I used to want to be famous. When I was younger, probably about four, I wanted to be a famous singer. Watching my four-year-old daughter these days proclaim the same fancy and free declaration for her “older-self” makes me grin and giggle inside.
When your four, you believe you can become anything you want to. It doesn’t matter if you have a good voice or not, or have rhythm on stage, if you want to become a recording artist, you believe that is possible. And gosh darnit, I love that.
And, while I will keep letting her believe she can become anything she wants to for as long as she will like, I am learning the hard way that I cannot become everything and anything I want to be anymore.
I have made some rather certain choices the past ten years that have led my life down a certain road. Jordan and I decided to get married fresh out of college, we met young, and we married young. We decided to move back home close to our family, our friends, and our network. We chased careers here in our hometown, and we pursed those jobs with each other in mind. Everything it seems: career, choices, and commitments overlap when you marry young.
We together decided to move to the suburbs a couple years into marriage. Into a beautiful white trimmed, yellow house, within walking distance to pools and parks, schools, and Starbucks. We got pregnant early on into marriage and I was the first of a lot of my friends to have a baby. We wanted it all, we prayed for it all, and still feel blessed that young love fell into our laps early, and that two babies have joined our party by now too.
And yet, that girl, the one who worked hard for her degree, and wanted to have some sort of big career someday, slowly but surely made decisions that made that a little impossible.
After I had my first girl, I sometimes would think about what I could do while still remaining a stay-at-home-mom, an outlet of sorts. For me, that always came down to writing. Thus, came this blog, a way to virtually put pen to paper, to share my stories, to truly, work out what exactly was going through this jumbled mind of mine.
And it’s been a trusty friend, this sweet spot on the net, for a little over four years now, a companion, and an outlet on the hairy and happy days of motherhood.
It’s seen me through loss, and adventure, and somehow in some ways walked me through motherhood. And you, my friends and family have read along, have cheered me along, and have continued to love on me and encourage me to keep at it. I am a wanna-be-writer, and this is my space to work out the words.
You see, what I thought I wanted ten years ago, I don’t want now. I used to want to be famous, and now I just want thirty seconds to go to the bathroom by myself. Life has completely changed. Though the lines of motherhood mark my face, and the effects of carrying two children mark my body, I wouldn’t change a single thing about it. In the midst of the ups and downs of this job, in the midst of living in suburbia, what I still feel pressing on my heart is to share words, what I consider my confessions. To keep at “it”, whatever it all becomes. The best adventures are ones that have no map.
And, if I am being honest, I secretly dream of someday becoming a published writer, because I love to write. And a little part of me, feels like in the midst of motherhood, if I could still claim my name to something other than “this”, it would make it all worth it. Like “this” isn’t enough. What a lie.
So, I have begun, day by day this year, chasing contentment over chasing fame. And trusting more and more, in a future rooted in faith. And I still want to write, so what I will do, is show up here. And work at showing up more and more, because when I continue to confess my guts, it sets me free.
I will work at bringing you the best of me: the rawest, realest, most authentic version of myself, right here, between breakfast and dinner dishes, diapers, and play dates. That’s my promise to you, and my promise to me.
And gosh darnit, it was about time for a makeover around here too.
So here she is, the newly remodeled OCGoodmama, isn’t she so pretty?
I hope you share it, enjoy it, and keep coming by.