Here we are Christmas. Here we are trimmed trees and cookie exchanges, stocking stuffers, and {soon-to-be} presents under the tree. And here we are expectations, long lines and long list’s too. Here we are Christmas. Over-spend, over-commit and over-do. Here we are Christmas. A baby in a manager, hope and joy, simplicity, and Good News. Choose the chaos, or choose the calm.

This season, I have been fighting hard to maintain the peace. The peace in our home, the peace in our schedule, the peace in our family, and the peace most of all in me. Something about this season, and the wild expectations we put on others, and ourselves can leave us drained and depleted. You know that, and I know that too.

Life has been rolling in fast motion for us since Thanksgiving. And for us, it seemed it started even earlier this year, around Halloween. A dishwasher leak in our house left us without a working kitchen for weeks in November, the wood floor around the island has been pulled up, and the dishwasher removed. All, that’s left in the kitchen around the island is wood, nails and concrete too. Jordan even staple-gunned blankets to the exposed area, so we can somehow still move, and cook, clean, and let Addie crawl.

Were in the process of battling insurance companies, and waiting, doing a lot of waiting, for next steps. The battle for peace has definitely been in my home, and most of all, here in my heart. Some days I have lost the battle, all frustrated and angry by my circumstances around. I have sighed in loud aggravation at the lack of a quick fix, and cried in tiredness at this project I didn’t want to take on.

Being a stay at home mama is lovely, and wonderful, but it’s still my day {and night} job, so taking care of two little’s, the feeding, napping, and playing, has been challenging to do on what feels like a live construction site. Managing people in and out, jack hammers, and tents; it’s not what I was planning on as the precursor to the Holidays.

And yet, here we are Christmas. Here I am whether I wanted it or not, in the midst of construction and chaos. I have had to wrap my mind around cancelling events I was supposed to host, and a home that does not whatsoever feel 100% settled. I am getting cozy waiting, and trying to not kick and scream while I do it.

Last year was one thing with a newborn, this year, is another with a house under wraps. And yet, as weird as it is, as funny as it sounds, I am back to the same place of having to lay down my schedule, lay down these plans, and surrender my program.

The more I push, the more I resist, the more I try to control the less peace I have. And as I’m trying to get one more thing crossed off the list, and to one more event on time, I am faced with the simple fact that in my own presence, in my own plans, I can’t cultivate the kind of peace that I am after.

And when I slow down enough, when I calm down enough, when I gather my thoughts, sit down instead of forge ahead He reminds me of this: I have all I need. That He lets us rest. He is the one who leads us into peace, He renews, anchors and guides. He doesn’t pour on guilt or more expectations, He doesn’t look at us with disappointment and frustration. He looks at us with tender eyes, with love and kindness.

For the longest time this past month I have sat down to write about peace and my path in the midst of construction to find it.  I have struggled for words, crossed out paragraphs, and deleted entry after entry. Today, I pushed through it all to try to discover what was holding me back. And funny thing is I was the one holding me back. I was holding myself back from real peace by trying to be my own peace.

You see, anytime I try to be my own peace, my friends peace, my husbands peace, I will come up not enough. I am not supposed to be my own peace. I am not supposed to be your peace, and your not supposed to be mine.

Our peace already came, that Christmas night, wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in the manager, in the middle of the night. The lowliest of places, in the midst of chaos, He brought Peace. He was peace, is peace, will always be the only peace. And He wants me to see that, and you to see that too.

His presence brings us peace. In the middle of the night when your fear wants to flare up, He wants to be your peace. During that doctor’s appointment where signs are all pointing red, He wants to be your peace. In the midst of a home that feels chaotic, with children running around, He wants to be my peace too.

I don’t do a good job of being my own peace. It always leaves me dry. And yet His peace on the other hand will always give me freedom, and brings me rest, because His burden is light. Lighter than anything I could ever feel, stronger than anything I could ever lift, His Presence is the best home for our hearts this Holiday. Maybe this Christmas its time to make some room in the midst of your own life that might feel under construction for a Savior who brings Good News, the best kind of News. He is joy, hope, and our peace.

You Have All You Need. He Wants You to Rest. He Guides You. He Anchors You. His Burden is Light. And His Presence is Your Peace. {Psalm 23}

Merry Christmas, may we return, or maybe for the first time finally really come home for the Holidays.