This is a weird holiday season. Its wonderful, and magical, and super special because of our newest addition Addie, but super not normal nonetheless. I picked up the mail yesterday, for the first time in about a week. God bless our mailman who knows I have a new baby, and I forget to check the mail. He waves me down when it’s getting so full he can’t fit anything more inside. Hello, honesty.
It was packed to the brim with my favorite things – Christmas Cards. How did I let Christmas Cards just sit in my box I thought to myself? Let alone begin to acknowledge that we hadn’t even started ordering ours?
I sat in the front seat of my warm car, with Addie snoozing in back, without the presence of a preschooler and just enjoyed these sweet faces that lined these cards all dolled up whom I love so dearly. These friends faces that litter my life with love and friendship, which make our days so much brighter.
My first gut instinct was to let the guilt roll in, pile it on, and have a little pity party.
No cards ordered, no Christmas gifts either to boost, no tree, and no decorations inside.
My house is a mix of pumpkins and poinsettias. Our outside is decorated for Christmas, and the inside is packed with pumpkins. It’s a strange mix of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Our Elf on the Shelf, was sitting on top of a glittery pumpkin, and I just had to snap the shot. It summed up so much right now. Were a mix of seasons, and I am a mix of emotions.
6 weeks in we are.
Post-partum isn’t perfect around here. Parenting two is well, a whole new level of exhaustion, and requires an entire new level of energy for me.
I’m dipping into new reserves, and some days I am so tired and lost my patience so many times, I have to call it quits as soon as we put both the girls down.
Other days it feels not like a piece of cake, but rather that I have conquered the mountain of a new challenge, and I feel confident in my new shoes, happy and full of hope that I can do this this two-thing.
It’s trying to figure out what I need so that I can be the best mama to these ladies.
I think trying to navigate what I need is also new; I am doing my best to articulate to Jordan what refueling my tank looks like.
And He is doing the same with me.
It’s different for both of us. And yet, we both need time together, and alone, to refuel our own souls so we can connect better together and as parents to these two little ladies.
For me, some days its extra sleep, others it’s a quiet coffee morning while he snuggles Sammy upstairs, and last week it was a necessary hour of power shopping at forever 21 to get some “in-between clothes”.
For him, its extra sleep too, and time alone in his new music man cave. Oh, and its learning again, in the newborn-frazzled-phase to not unload on him after he walks through the door. I had one of those moments two nights ago, where I literally un-loaded on him in the worst way, all tears, and emotions. It got us no-where; it didn’t help to build us up. And we need building up, not tearing down.
Were giving grace to figure out what two looks like for both of us. How to still be creative individually and also connected in our marriage apart from these two too.
It’s also a new level of love. In my perfect life picture, I never envisioned raising two girls.
I never ever thought there would be so much pink, that my second would wear my first’s hand-me-downs.
There is something that tugs at my heart in the best possible way putting Addie in something Sammy wore.
It’s a tie these two have. Sisters, they are, and this bond is something I never knew, that they get to share.
I’m so happy that they have each other.
While I didn’t think life would look like all bows and glittery costumes, it is, and I’m leaning in, and loving it.
Some moments I feel like I have it down.
Others I feel like I am falling apart.
Add to it the intensity of the Holiday Season. And I am trying to remember: it’s about family, and creating memories, and counting down to our Savior’s birth.
It’s about acknowledging who entered this world, humble He was, and the remembering the sacrificial nature in which he came.
And I, admittedly easily get sucked into prioritizing pumpkins and poinsettias over my very presence with my people.
I can get sucked into the guilt of not having cards out, Christmas gifts ordered, sad to need to say no to so much, OR I can release myself to enjoy this season.
I can get sit in the car like I did last night listening to Michael Buble while Addie snoozed in the back, and let Samantha and Jordan pick out the tree instead of micro-managing the event into a full-blown-family activity lugging the stroller around the rock encrusted parking lot.
I can let Jordan bring the tree in, and let it sit amongst the boxes of Christmas ornaments and let myself be comfortable with decorating it when we have time to ENJOY decorating it. Whenever that may be.
You, see, I want to look back at this season and say that I ENJOYED it.
Whether the cards get out on time, whether or not Jordan and I have gifts for each other or not, whether or not the tree ever gets decorated.
To me, the most important decision I can make today is to slow down, and savor.
And when I start making it more about the pumpkins and the poinsettias rather than the moments around the table, and the tales that are told, and the hands that will be held, and chose to not fully enter into the moment, I loose sight of what’s really important to me.
I am freeing myself up to ENJOY making memories in the midst of the manic, to discover the real magic of the moment.
With expectations set LOW, and Enjoyment levels set HIGH.
Merry, Merry Moments from my heart to yours.